The all too familiar venue was none other than ‘Sushisha’, the Eastrand’s one and only Sushi and Shisha bar, located next to Jimmy’s Killer Prawns in the Key Largo Centre in Boksburg. Shisha, for those not in the know, is basically, what we in South Africa would colloquially call, ‘Hubbly Bubbly’ (also known as Hookah). Humorously, we never even had any ‘hubbly’ but we did devour the delectable Sushi that was on offer!

As it so happens, every Wednesday and Thursday Sushisha have a special where, for only R99, you may “eat as much sushi as you can”, just as long as it if from the conveyer belt. What with the recession and all, this is a great deal. A deal so good that, even when full, we could not help but abuse our already distended stomachs.

Talking about money, I am actually thinking of writing a blog post about ‘Recession Antidotes’. Basically a how to guide of going out and having a great time for less than one hundred bucks. In fact, over the last several weeks, I have gone to a few places and had amazing times for, remarkably, less than that. True story.

What was supposed to be an evening between close friends, eventually turned into an orgy of familiar strangers. You know how it goes. One friend requests the invitation of another, who just to happens to invite another two people, and so on and so forth. So from a manageable group of eight, we ended up with a distinctive gathering of 18, plus a birthday girl. Needless to say, the evening actually worked out incredibly well. It was great to meet new people, rekindle old acquaintances and, of course, spend time with good friends.

Personally, I do not think that Sushisha was prepared for us all, considering how we filled a majority of the venue. I kid you not when I say that we were actually making the Asian sushi chefs sweat like Chinese factory workers. The moment a new dish was created, we vacuumed it off of the conveyer belt. Much to the detriment of a few other customers who were left patiently waiting for our ravenous hunger to subside. In hind sight, I am quite sure that the ‘maître d’ regretted seating us so fantastically close to the mouth of the conveyer belt. Even so, the manager kept on sending over ‘shooters’ to our table. Perhaps in an effort to draw our attention away from the tiring sushi chefs. I have got to say, it was a clever move. Not only did it make us all even ‘happier’, but it spurred on the ordering of even more salacious beverages. Which lead to the formation of entirely unforgettable memories and moments. “Ra ha ha”!

Ultimately, a great time was had by all with many new memories to boot. Check out the photographic album for all the ‘Engrish’ influenced moments.

View Full Album

Until the next time “Milieunairs”!

Well, the website tentatively known as ‘Yearbook Yourself’, has a rather ingenious solution to his problem.

Using simple, yet effective, facial mapping techniques; ‘Yearbook Yourself’ allows you to take any forward facing photograph’s of your beautiful visage and turn them into time period specific yearbook portraits.

The specific time periods on offer currently range from the century splitting year 1950, all the way to the millennium bug ridden year 2000. You may view my ‘Blast from the Past’, courtesy of Yearbook Yourself, in the following album:

View Full Album

An interesting thing to do, is to compare your original High school photograph (you can see my real one at the top of this post *cringe*) to those of a potential yesteryear. Truth be told, I am incredibly glad to be a child of the ‘00 High school graduating generation. Some of those ‘founding’ styles were simply horrendous (1986, 1988 and 1990; I am looking at you)!

Unsurprisingly, we all have High school graduating photograph’s, including celebrities:

Celebrity Yearbook Pictures

I hope you all have fun with this post and I look forward to seeing your ‘creations’ *rolls eye’s at the multitude of new ‘old’ Facebook profile pictures*.

Until the next time “Milieunairs”!

Each Hans’ Milieu edition of Vocab101 will take place on Wordy Wednesdays and will contain all the words I have tweeted over the course of one week from the previous Vocab101 session (7 days, 7 new words). Furthermore, each Hans’ Milieu edition of Vocab101 will contain additional new words which did not make the original cut, but are just as tantalising/disturbing!

Vocab101:

• Riptag - A last minute accessory or clothing purchase, that you wear out of the store you bought it from.
• Postmodem - The freak out you experience when your Internet connection goes dead (Do not deny it, you know what I am referring to here).
• Yellular – The loudness one adopts in response to a bad cell-phone connection. All with the hope that talking louder will improve the signal quality.
• Mistleho – Someone who constantly hangs around under a mistletoe, during Christmas time, waiting to get kissed over and over again.
• Ickymaki – A frightening and often revolting offering of sushi. Usually the sushi found at the days end in sushi bars.
• Bedologist – Someone who has explored every crease, wrinkle and soft spot attributed with a bed and knows how to sexually make people ‘sing’ on it.
• Buddet – The female variant of the word ‘buddy’ – which is commonly used to signify male camaraderie.

Vocab101-isms which missed the cut:

• Headhunter – A man who is always in a constant search for receiving his next session of oral sex (the act commonly known as a ‘blowjob’).

• Assalanche – It begins as a slow, cramping, painful, and excruciatingly long build-up of faecal matter in one’s bowels; which ultimately reaches a breaking point, in which a massive avalanche of faecal matter is explosively expelled from one’s rectum.

I do hope that you enjoyed this edition of Vocab101 and that you will return for some more Vocab101-isms in the near future.

Until the next time “Milieunairs”!

It is Music Monday and thus time for another Vivaciously Varietal Vibe!

• 

  Flavour: Pop / R&B

• Artist: Chris Brown

• Album: Exclusive: The Forever Edition
• Song: Forever

Rationale: Okay, look. I did not actually want to feature Chris Brown today. Not only am I not a great fan of ‘R&B’, but I certainly do not like the guy for what he did to Rihanna. In fact, I believe he should have been  sent to prison so he could have been given his ‘just-ice’ filled chocolate starfish destroying desserts.

The fact that he got away with molesting Rihanna’s perfectly symmetrical ebony face, with only a slap on the wrists, is unlawful. What kind of message is the American justice system sending to the youth of the world? Evidently, if you are rich and famous enough, you could get away with almost anything. Is that not right, hey OJ? Then again, who am I to judge, considering our president, the fanatical Jacob Zuma, is a politically corrupt polygamist who enjoys raping AIDS victims before taking long STI cleansing showers?!

Although Chris Brown is a douche, he has, admittedly, produced a few good songs with addictive beats. One such song is the sexually charged Matric Farewell induced Forever. It is, apparently, such a great song that an American couple decided to rewrite tradition by using the song as their wedding march, complete with choreography. I kid you not.

Craziest Wedding Entrance Yet

Although I have determined, via an assumption, what the couple were trying to do, a valiant attempt at breaking free from the confines of conformity, I could not stop myself from gasping in disbelief while laughing hysterically at the circus which prevailed. As entertaining as the bride and groom’s entrance was, I keep wondering if they realise that this video, and those memories, will, quite literally, be around Forever. What do you think?

Take Our Poll

As always, whenever I post about Vivaciously Varietal Vibes on Music Monday’s, simply click on the name of the song to be taken to a web page that displays the songs lyrics.

Until the next time “Milieunairs”!

When we travel abroad, I always seem be susceptible to random erections which, most embarrassingly, occur during the day, in broad daylight and after utilising some mode of transport. Look, do not get me wrong, I love having an erection. I feel it is, somewhat, the epitome of a being a man. It is such a natural thing and it just feels good… no, great *begins to reminisce of the feeling… then quickly calms down*. Okay, I’m going to stop there, since there is no other way for me to carry on describing ‘the feeling’ without sounding homoerotic.

Obviously I know why men are supposed to get erections and how it happens, I am a man after all. However, what some people may not realise, is that we, as men, often do not have total control over our members, with particular reference to obtaining a ‘hard on’. Seriously, erections can occur for no other reason than, for example, holding in your almost bursting bladder, or perhaps, just releasing a pent up yawn and stretching harmlessly (your body that is, not your penis… because we all know where that ultimately leads to).

As I have previously mentioned, these ‘random erections’ usually occur when I travel abroad. As a result, and as Murphy’s law would have it, the golden rod often, if not always, makes itself apparent just as we arrive at our destination and need to disembark from a vehicle. I mean… come on. Consequently, this results in yours truly, performing some rather odd and disorienting movements, making me look like a hyperactive geriatric, in the hopes of camouflaging my noticeable ‘inflammation’. Thus far, I seem to have successfully avoided any awkward confrontations with family or anyone else for that matter. Whew!

I must confess, I did Google ‘random erections’ for this post. Unfortunately I did not find out anything I did not already know, just the standard information about how it is normal and how you need to love yourself… blah blah. It is not like it is a special ability or anything *grin*. However, I did stumble upon this YouTube video (or rather several) which offers a perfect example of how men do not have control over our members, even in a professional setting. Please be aware, the following video clip is NSFW (Not Safe For Work).

Perfect example of a random and uncontrollable erection.

There is another video, of  a similar vane, of Jean-Claude Van Damme getting ‘happy’ on live television. Then again, placed in his situation and doing what he was doing… who can blame him?

*UPDATE* As the interverse would have it, my blog post regarding ‘erections’ was right on the money. Apparently they are back, and as ‘hard’ as ever! Here are a few more ‘lengthy’ links:

• Dancing with the Stars: Boner Edition
• A ‘Handy’ Guide to hiding your ‘boner’
• For those random moments: ‘Awkward Boners’
• Japan’s ‘Penis Parade’

Until the next time Milieu Pals!

The Shit List is from an e-mail I received many, many years ago and thought I would share it for a laugh!

THE GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there’s no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there’s no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT: You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT: This shit happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT: Also known as ‘Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit’. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT: No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind of shit that’s so enormous you’re afraid to
flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long
night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the skid mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE ‘GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT’ SHIT: The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT: (Also known as the ‘Power Dump’) That’s the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT: That’s the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE CROWD PLEASER: This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE CRACK FLAPPER SHIT: This shit seems to create its own weather system. Your butt cheeks feel like they’re flapping in the wind when this shit comes out.

THE MOOD ENHANCER: This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE ‘ON THE CLOCK’ SHIT: This is any shit that you take while you are punched in at work. Lunch hour and coffee break shits do not qualify.

THE ‘BEST NICKEL I EVER SPENT’ SHIT: This is any shit that you take in a ‘pay’ bathroom. Thankfully, there aren’t too many of these left. If you’re ever in a Mexican border town, be sure to try one!

THE RITUAL: This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT: A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT: This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE ‘HONEYMOON’S OVER’ SHIT: This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER: A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER: Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many a flushing.

THE RANGER: A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT: This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT: Now you see it, now you don’t. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL: A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER: A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position – usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT: This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker’s Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT: This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT: An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN’T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT: Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.

SHITZOPHERENIA: Fear of shitting – can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs.. DURACELL SHIT: Also known as a ‘Still Going’ shit.

THE ROCKET SHIT: The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you’re done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT: This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT: The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.

THE ‘I THINK I’M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE’ SHIT: Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT: The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE ‘I’M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER’ SHIT: When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE ‘I THINK I’M TURNING INTO A BUNNY’ SHIT: When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when the
y hit the water.

THE ‘WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?’ SHIT: Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE ‘I JUST KNOW THERE’S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE’ SHIT: Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it’s going to smear all over the place.

THE GREEN SHIT: usually happens after you have consumed too much mountain
dew and candy

Which ‘shit’ do you relate with most?

Yesterday I had arranged to meet with my friend Dale. We were most likely just going to go out for dinner and catch up. However, another friend of mine called, Bernard, and informed me that he was up from Cape Town and would like to visit. As a result, I decided to throw together a quick ‘Get Together’ with various family and friends. Following with my ‘Year of the New’, I am always ready and willing to have a good time!

For the venue I decided we would all meet at ‘Sushisha’, a  Sushi and Shisha bar next to Jimmy’s Killer Prawns in the Key Largo Centre in Boksburg. Consequently, I have been wanting to try out Sushisha for some time and figured that this would be the perfect opportunity. Shisha, for those not in the know, is basically, what we in South Africa would colloquially call, ‘Hubbly Bubbly’ (also known as Hookah). Humorously, we never even had any ‘hubbly’ but we did devour the delectable Sushi that was on offer!

The evenings participants consisted of myself, Dale, David, Bernard, Kirsty, Gideon, Allan and my cousin Terence. Kirsty, in this circumstance, was the incredibly lucky token ‘chick’. Heh heh.

Through the course of the evening I was introduced to the concept of ‘RoR’. I am sure that most people reading this entry are familiar with the short hand ‘LoL’ (Laugh out Loud). Well, ‘RoR’ is the ‘Engrish’ equivalent – “Aroh! Doo yoo wan sum fly lice wit dat?”. Heh heh. As you may have guessed, speaking with an oriental accent became the evenings theme and, subsequently, varying amounts of hilarity ensued. Just thinking about that night has my lips curled into a mischievous grin of pure delight. I would elaborate more on what happened ("’Raughing out Roud! Arro flends who likee cone shape rights and saki glabbing dorra katz"! RoR!), but most of what did occur would most likely fall into the category of ‘you had to be there to get it’. In essence it was truly a magnificent evening, one of many more I hope and wish to have in the future and beyond!

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